Well, I’m still me. I’m now 15 years old, not that much taller than before. My music taste has changed quite a bit, I’m still a fan of heavy metal but near as much as I am a fan of Hip-Hop now. I’m a massive fan of wrestling. My depression is still here, my anorexia has gone, my anxiety is still here, my paranoia is still here, and I recently had a seizure. I’m so scared, alone, and I feel so unwanted. I don’t know, I feel I needed to post on this. Please don’t judge. I’m not sure if I should keep posting too. I’ve tried to kill myself about 5 times since I was last properly on this, I don’t know, it’s all too much for me. I really want to go tonight.
I know I haven’t blogged in a while. Tumblr seems to have changed a lot. I’ve sort of changed a lot, but the whole depression thing is still here. I hope you lot are still here too.
Someone who has been through all of this please text me, message me for my number. I’m sorry but you must be English…
I don’t go on tumblr much any more because I have my iPod touch away, and I don’t really like going on it on the laptop (it’s shared). But I just want to say, thankyou. Thankyou to everyone who has sent me messages, who have followed me and who just post things. You make me feel less insecure, but at the same time I want to say sorry. Sorry for not being strong, I can honestly say I haven’t cut in a long time, or thrown up, but I really am close to killing myself. Last night was as close as I’d ever been. I’m so sorry that it’s me who can’t stand to be here, I detest life. I sound so, like, attention-seeking and I apologise for that too. But I just hope, that with everyone’s help on here, I can somehow pull through, as cheesy as that sounds, I mean it. I don’t seek professional help as they don’t understand, but I feel the responses/help from people who go through what I go through or who have in fact beaten it, will be much more effective. Thankyou all.
But basically, what’s happened recently, I’ve been rather depressed, so much so I tried to take my own life - to no avail. It’s awful, but last night cheered me up a bit, I went to see Don Broco, which was good. But now, all the feelings have come back and I just want to go, I miss her too.
I’ll get better? It’s only a phase? I’ve had this for at least 2 years, I cry into my pillow, I cry myself to sleep, I know I’m not getting better. I’m not good enough for anyone, it’s ridiculous how fucked up I am. Depression, anxiety, paranoia, night terrors. The night terrors are made worse by the fact there’s no escape. When I wake up, look around, I see people. Who try to grab me and pull me this way and that way. I’ve been told it’s only a phase for months, I’m sick of it. I’m fourteen-years-old and want to end my life so badly. I apologise if my death causes any inconvenience to any of you. The world would be a better place with one less fucked mind. I love you all.